The Worst Witch DVD = The Best Special Features

Last night, Ivan (aka Greybeard) and I went to Wild and Wooly Video in order to pick up some movies to watch with Magpie. We intended to rent Clue and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. We picked up both of those movies (after an embarrassing time of looking for Priscilla under Comedy, Drama, Gay and Lesbian Interest and just about every other category, until the nice man behind the counter gently reminded us that the movie is filed under A, not P). Then, on our way to the checkout counter, I saw a DVD that brought me right back to my childhood: The Worst Witch.

The Worst Witch, if you have never seen it, is a bizzaro train-wreck of a children's movie, starring a very young Fairuza Balk, 10 years prior to her role in The Craft. In this movie, she plays the worst witch at an International Witchs' School which is run by the woman who played Mrs. Garret in the Facts of Life. She is joined by Tim Curry, who plays the "Grand Wizard" of the witchy world. He doesn't have a lot of screen time allotted to him in the movie -- he appears throughout primarily in photos which the girls in the school cherish like Backstreet Boys memorabilia and spend a lot of time kissing. (It's all kinds of wrong -- especially since I kept expecting him to show up in a crazy KKK outfit every time they called him the "Grand Wizard" -- growing up in the South does things to you.)

The movie takes a turn towards the very, incredibly, mind-bendingly wrong near the end, when Tim shows up as the Grand Wizard and does an absolutely insane, oh-my-gods-did-someone-slip-me-hallucinogens song and dance routine.

Which, of course, I am going to share with you right now, through the wonders of YouTube. Keep in mind that we have the lady who played Mrs. Garret running around not only playing Mrs. Cackle, the headmistress of the school, but also playing her pink-haired evil twin from Alabama, who is trying to take over the school. And then this happens:


Holy crap, did you just see that? Yes, I assure you, you did. And the Grand Wizard wants to know if anybody's seen his tambourine.

So, of course, Greybeard and I took home the Worst Witch so the three of us could watch it and be amazed and terrified by the downright creepiness of it all. Once the movie was over, and Greybeard and Magpie had somewhat recovered from what I just subjected you all too, we took a look at the DVD special features.

When it comes to old made-for-tv movies, you know what to expect on the special features portion of the DVD: maybe a stills gallery if you are lucky, or the movie trailer/commercials. Not so with the Worst Witch! There is an entire section of the Special Features about how to cast spells. It covers (briefly but accurately) how to cast a spell, sacred space, herbs to use for various purposes, essential oils to use for various purposes, color correspondences, gem correspondences and magical tools (including athames and pentacles).

We we staggered, we were stunned. We were puzzled and amused. Can you imagine that kind of content being included in the special features section of a Harry Potter DVD? The uproar that would ensue! The furor! But here it hides in plain sight, in the backwaters of the children's Halloween repertoire -- just waiting to be discovered by a precocious 10-year-old.

You just have to smile.

....Halp! Is toad in me bass! Is no can be! Is tambourine tiems now!